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Friday, September 12, 2008

lesson for the day, by Ali

ya know those nights where ya wanna blog but you have so many thoughts swimming around in your head you cant make enough sense of it all to blog anything?????? how was that for a run on sentence? are ya proud? i thought so.
i had to leave the babies home alone to drive the neighborhood looking for jackson just now. well.. he was where he was supposed to be, but its 915 at night. time to come home. the dad was about to drive him home, he was having the boys clean up.
yogi is on his weird business trip to NJ. we miss daddy! but we didnt miss cooking! 2 words- PIZZA HUT.
i want diet pepsi and ice cream, yet i am out of both and i cant leave.
doug & ben went up to hang with kristin at the college. they took chicks with them. various chicks.
red sox are winning.
last night i went to see AJ's parents. i hadnt really had them all to myself since AJ died 3 1/2 year ago. i would write "click HERE to read past post about who AJ(sayle's Daddy) is" and do a link thing, but i dont know how. so look back to like.. july 26th's post(the kids birthday party pics) to read that if you want.
anyway, its hard to visit at his house, his pictures are everywhere, candles....i feel him all over that house. AJs mom & i got to talking about him and we were crying a bit and she mentioned something about his death in the hospital and pulling the plug and all that stuff. since i didnt make the trip up to Maine to say goodbye to him before they pulled the plug, i had missed alot of details of the accident and i had carried some lingering questions in my mind for the last 3+ years but had never really had the opportunity to ask her, or AJ's wife, any of them. so when i told her that she told me to ask anything i wanted-she loves talking about him, even the bad stuff.. so i did. lets just say i wasnt as prepared for the answers as i thought i was. it was very hard & disturbing to hear alot of it, and was a very tough night for me after that. it felt like the first day all over again. like getting The Call when kendyl was 10 days old all over again. he went through more than i thought he did, his body was more battered than i knew, and he was more aware of what was going on than i had originally heard. no chance for the organ donation i had wondered if took place. i'm still glad i know, but its hard to explain...i held myself pretty much together and we still had a great visit after all. AJ's father was in an adjacent room having a weekly bible study with some guys the whole time, but after the guys left we visited briefly. i stayed until after 10 and drove home from the city in a daze. yogi was awake, much to my surprise, and he took one look at me & knew it had ended up being much more than the usual good cry with sylvie. i ended up being up late, filling Yogi in (at his insistance)& crying and crying until i had no tears left. hearing it all was one thing-repeating it all to someone was another! it felt like day one, back to square one. then i was up at 5 with Shawn for the day. OY! i am ok, i'm fine, i just need a few days i think...but sleeping didnt happen. disturbed sleep at best.
so... heres your lesson for the day: if youre not totally sure you can handle the answers, dont ask the questions!
REST IN PEACE baby boy.
doug, ben & the chicks are back. they all wanna sleep over. i told them they can, but only if they go buy me some ice cream. i love kids!
night girls!


Unspeakable Joy said...

aw, that's so hard when you want to know but not if it's bad, but you don't know! sorry you had to relive it. (((hugs)))

Brenda said...

Because you cried and were upset does not mean you were not ready to know. It is a part of grieving. (((((((((hugs))))))))))

Justju said...

Part of the grieving process is knowing as much as you can...even if it's days, weeks, months or years later. I can't tell you the questions I asked the funeral director (embalmer) at the funeral home after Sydnie's burial...things I just HAD to know. Morbid things to most people, but I wanted to know...and yes, it affects you...brings you back. But it's all part of the process of what we call grief. As someone once told wouldn't hurt so much if we hadn't loved so much and so deeply. {{{Ali}}} RIP in AJ.