ch....ch....ch....changes

a few recent pics

catch up bullet post

july 2011

Aug. 2011

i can't promise this will be in any kind of order, sorry.

* all the people who pissed me off in April moved out the day after the pot pipe was found. I haven't spoken to any of them since. It's just the 2 of us, and 4 kids now.

* Kristin graduated at UNH with highest honors in May, spent the summer working, Evan was here for most of the summer too. He worked for Yogi for 6 weeks before going on a backpacking trip with friends through Costa Rica, then returning here for just one day. On August 14th, they packed up the Jetta we bought and moved to California. Kris is working at a Domino's Pizza "for the meanest boss she's ever met her life" and going to school in Chico CA.. She has her own place. She's broke but very, very happy. For me, it's just really weird not knowing when I'm going to see her again. She has traveled often, but I always knew WHEN....

* Shawn Alan turned 4 in July, we had a very small party, none of the neighborhood kids were in town, we picked the wrong weekend! But he had fun, My parents both came, which was nice. They only made it because my Mom's back surgery was pushed ahead a few days-it had been scheduled for Shawn's birthday.

* My mom had risky back surgery on July 26th. I say risky because operating on a cardiac patient is never easy. The first 3 days post-op went well, then they sent her over to the re-hab and it all went to hell pretty fast. long story short, they thinned her blood too much, she was bleeding out, then they thickened her blood too much and she ended up with pulmonary clots. She spent a month in the hospital, much of that time in ICU, completely unaware of anything going on. She finally came home and is recovering slowly and is in good spirits, mostly.

* Yogi took a week off in August, the last day being the day Kris left. He hadn't taken time off since Christmas of 2006. I want to lie, and report that the "staycation" was an amazing thrill that none of us will never forget. Truthfully, it was just "ok". there was too much to do, we picked the wrong week. Mom was in ICU the entire time and My sister and I were tag teaming my Mother's dog. Kristin's car needed work, there was so much to do before she left-mostly stuff she needed to do, she's pretty independent, but still. insurance issues, Jack's football paperwork, health forms for football, so much administrative crap.... we ended up spending one nice day at one beach, a rainy evening, an overnight and then a sunny day at a beach in ME. and 3 hours at Water country another day. That was pretty much it. I think we had some take-out and some ice cream cones. we might have seen a movie. I think we did. eh. I GIVE UP. I bought a beautiful new bathing suit though, which avoided repeats of some prior frightening wardrobe malfunctions.

* The plan was to move Jackson into Kristin's room after she moved away. We would take his room and turn it into an office. her room is larger, has a huge closet with shelving, has mirrored closet doors and a full size bed! he had well over 3 months to clean, purge, pack and organize his tiny bedroom for this move. He had a detailed list, written at his his level for reading and development, to assist him with his plan. There was much discussion. he seemed excited, but not motivated. i made it clear that we weren't just packing up and moving a huge trash bag full of junk from one room to another. He would be boxing up clothing and things he didn't want, throwing trash away etc..... MOVE DAY approached. I told him that whichever room was cleaner would be the office for Crawford & Sons Roofing. No more table by the dryer. We'd take either room, no pressure. He did NOTHING. MOVE DAY arrived. He started filling trash bags with clean clothing, dirty clothes, garbage, books and banana peels. i vacuumed Kristin's room, moved the bed away from the wall, (why she parks it there, I have no idea LOL)washed and dried the bedding, covered mattress with plastic sheet, Made the bed, mopped her floor, packed ONE box with almost everything she left behind, moved some things into the basement, moved extra furniture out, hung a Haitian painting and...... WAITED. It looked great in there. perfect teen guy bedroom. "jack! Come see!" I WANTED him to WANT IT bad enough. turn key! move in condition! look how HUGE it is! Look, you can DANCE!! i tried EVERYTHING. He entered, he looked, he danced and checked his look in the cool mirror. He smiled. he packed another trash bag. at 2pm, after he ate lunch, roamed around, goofed off, went off task 311 times...... I went into his room, and I made it clear that he wasn't doing what was asked, but still helped him move some furniture out to the yard(stuff that wouldn't be used in either room, regardless-which was all i was willing to do) my thought was, get stuff out of the kids way, move anything you can to give him space to work and clear his thoughts, without hand holding. At that point, he declared that it was all too hard, would take too long and he was "all done". sporadic, fake effort from 9-2 LOL. WOW. NOTHING is EVER worth it to him. Of course, his PLAN B, to squeeze her bed into his tiny room, was mentioned. NO WAY. I had already told him that wasn't happening, months ago. I was way ahead of him. i shrugged my shoulders, shook my head, and walked away. hey, some furniture he didn't need got moved out anyway. I was/am HONESTLY disappointed. i then took Kristin's bed apart, spent the next 24 hours moving our basement office up to her room and its AWESOME! We are so happy. It ticked him off, but i just said "see what EFFORT can do? this room could be ALL YOURS!" and left it at that. It may seem harsh, but his boss at work isn't going to say "eh, I'll just do it for you, baby." I realize that he may not have been capable of the entire process, start to finish, but i would have jumped in at the end if i saw ONE BIT of effort on his part. EVERYONE knows that. He was testing me, to see if I'd really do what I did, I think. He's just so low functioning -although it seems SO SELECTIVE-and we really think there's some Fetal Alcohol factoring in here, Ive been doing LOTS of research. That's a post for another day, but malnutrition and HIV are just the tip of his developmental ice burg. Anyway, having a real office, free of spiders, each with our own workspace, has been a huge blessing. family files, client files, all organized with a system in place. LOVE IT. I feel so much more at ease, now that things are being taken care of properly, everything at my fingertips. I'm really managing things now, business and personal, with sooo much less stress on a daily basis. SPACE is a good thing. Kristin cannot stand Jackson, he has used the older kids up, so badly, for 8 years, she simply has NO feelings for him whatsoever, so she's so psyched that we got "the big room". We actually do not need quite this much space and we hardly touched the closet, so Jack's room was big enough. Jack could have really used a bigger bed. siigghhhh.

* school finally started on Sept. 1st. Jackson is floating around, now in high school, anxious as ever, can't find his way around, teachers don't believe it half the time, I've had 2 meetings so far. He's having psych testing again to finally code him EH so he can receive more and better services. It's such a long story, but I really kick myself for not pushing harder for a 1 on 1 assistant, back in 1st grade, when he spoke no English, fell asleep at lunch, and peed in the hallways. why didn't they OFFER IT? I will talk more about that if I ever feel like it.

* Kendyl loves 1st grade and hasn't peed in any hallways :) Shawn Alan loves pre-K 4. No longer pooping his pants. HA!

* Yogi has re curring eczema. It's TERRIBLE and started with some bee stings. weird.

* electric fence is no match for the coon hound, another long story not worth telling. He's way too intelligent and active. DRIVEN. I take him running with me every night now that it's cooler, no excuses. he loves it but it's such a huge workout and a huge P.I.TA. run training takes time and patience I don't often possess LOL..... But he needs the outlet, and It makes me run, even if I've already worked out that day.

* Koty, the 7 year old lab, got a corn cob stuck in his intestines back in may. 3k to save his sorry arse. no lie. I'm on a payment plan but I never pay. Because of this, other dog still has testicles until Koty's bill is paid. I still owe about 1k. take a number.

Doug is doing well. He buckled down, got back on his Seroquell, takes it consistently, and is now (usually) a pleasure to be around. he had to face hard facts about himself. He NEEDS this drug. I don't care what anyone says, POT AINT ENOUGH. Without this prescription drug he cannot live with others or form or maintain real relationships. He becomes irrational, impossible to have a conversation with, dwells on the DISTANT past, spews venom... it's hard to describe. this generation of, "well, I like pot so I'll just self medicate with that!" is a load of BS. BUT, I know he's still doing that too. Baby steps.(and this is my biological child, so these things are hard for ME to accept too. My X husband has the same issues, after 4 years, he had to GO) He's working for Yogi full time, and living in the basement. He has friends. Ben is home from *BAND CAMP, so all is well.

* My Ben is home from *BAND CAMP!

* Shawn Alan's birth mom is home from *BAND CAMP too! we will go see her in early October :)

* I am doing great. Still working out. i run, row, lift weights, climb stairs and ride the bike almost every day. i still wear an 8-10, 36D(from a 44D at my fattest!) but i weigh about 5 lbs more, i think. I think i weigh about 165 or something. I have so much muscle it's not funny. My shoulders are immense. My legs are still fat, but lots of muscle hiding underneath! I've been lifting weights for 14 mos., running for 22 mos. i also LOVE rowing and cycling. I gave up swimming-HATED IT. faced it. moved on. I'm learning to play racquetball and hoping to learn more new things this year. I love managing our company, I am really strong, can do so many things I never thought i could/would and I'm really happy with myself, overall. Sometimes, EVERYTHING hurts or aches, sometimes nothing hurts, sometimes, areas hurt long term, but then suddenly heal and never hurt again.....but long term pain & injuries are part of it. when I was fat, everything hurt too! I use lots of ice, and I take so much Motrin, I'm waiting for my liver to fall out at a party.
"Oh my god! gross! what is THAT??"

"oh, sorry, that's my liver, oops. my bad."

* In closing......Summer is over, school is back in session, although I was in no hurry. I'm not like other Moms, I guess. But life is good. We are happy. Marriage is solid. (Damn, he's still so HOT to me! HA!)Can't complain! I just want to see the beach one more time. I've been hinting.

I will try to catch up on YOUR blogs now!

*WAR

i might...

blog again, but who would see it? who still checks in here?

somebody pushed the REPEAT button instead of the EASY button

Same story as always................ Everything is OUR fault. No surprise there! WE didn't do enough. WE should have told them we wanted A, B or C. WE should have asked for A, B & C. THEY were trying SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard. THEY meant to(fill in blank). THEY forgot to(fill in blank). THEY didn't mean to (fill in blank) .WE didn't give THEM enough time, help, money, leeway, freedom, support, credit, pats on the back, space.....blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. THEY can't pay rent because A, B & C happened BUT IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT! THEY can't find work/jobs because of A, B & C, but IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT! It's AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL us. All. Of. IT. The free rides/car didn't help. The cheap rent didn't help. the free cell phone must not have helped either, but that phone is missing, along with one of the 2 sets of keys to the car we bought just 2 weeks ago. The car WE do not drive. The support didn't help. SO....Go smoke your pot, go sleep all day, go party all night, go keep telling yourselves that you're trying, but the world is against you and all are out to get you. Because, THAT will surely help! oh- i almost forgot: Dad, you were right. again. don't rub it in, ok? love, alison

pimps, pot pipes & other paraphernalia

look what Kendyl found on the trampoline! can you say ALL DONE PLAYING NICE?????

just a recent post-run pic

this was taken last night, after my first run in my new 47$ Under Armor running bra. the bra is worth 2 thousand dollars, i discovered. eased my suffering in a way i cannot describe.

anyway, i see changes-small ones, but i see 'em! pectorals especially.

i'm playing on Yogi's MAC book air right now. the coon hound chewed through the power cord to my laptop. twice. why can't he just go chase some raccoons? yogi has way cool photo editing stuff on his mac, i love it! i can remove that ugly birthmark on my face. POOF!

i'll try to write more tomorrow, shawn alan is still sick, i must go now. basketball tournamnet in Boston all weekend too.

for real?

restaurant pic

pile of sick people

I've been doin' this job since I was 19 yee-uhs old. I'm no newbie. There are days I feel like I've got it together. By together, I mean that everyone is happy, contributing, getting along... GELLED. Things are organized. no big surprises. there are also days I feel like I'm drowning in a murky sea of starving, under water zombies. (ever heard of 'em? GOOGLE it! just kidding.) This last week or so? ZOMBIE CITY. These kids have run up one side O me and down the other to the point where I'm either waking up in a pool of sweat & dry heaves with anxiety riddled nightmares, suffering total insomnia altogether, or i find myself completely removing myself from life, not answering my phone, seeing NOBODY outside these 4 walls and isolating myself in my bedroom, armed only with a bucket of kettle corn, my music, my laptop and an intense case of Screw It All disease. If there was a treadmill in there, I'd never come out at all. Thankfully, those times are few & far between(kinda) and I end up back in -it- to -win -it within a few days. right now? HARD.

DISCLAIMER: I am about to bitch, moan & whine. I might even UglyFaceCry a little bit. log out if you don't wanna hear it!

* the honeymoon is SOOOOOOOOOOO over. nobody is helping or contributing. I cook alone, fold clothes alone, clean house alone and just DO.IT.ALL. begging gets old.

* Doug, in particular, is hateful, scornful, negative, vengeful, EXPLOSIVE and downright ugly to be around. Between his 3rd shift hours, not being allowed to drive, being away from Kayleigh and being broke(and owing EVERYBODY money!), he is just.no.fun.at.all. why type out the details? waste of time and energy.

* Kristin is not the least bit excited about the car. She's so used to things being ruined by her siblings & pseudo siblings, she just refuses to let her guard down and be happy about a free car. She puts up HUGE HUGE walls. I give up. We went up to UNH to see her yesterday, we took her out to dinner for her Birthday, which was great. I guess I just won't bring up the car in conversation anymore. On a happy note-she wrote an INCREDIBLE short story for a class, I wish you could read it! hmmmm let me work on that! She can e mail it to me. I can cut & paste, I'm amazing like that.

* Jackson did not want to go to UNH with us. he wanted to sit home alone and forage through our things all day. So...... he made the entire visit as uncomfortable and RAD sprinkled as possible. we ignored. we smiled. RAD did not win. how can a Haitian teenager not be thrilled with Cajun shrimp dinner? jackass. I'm lettin' him have that one. Today, after school, when he was #regulated# and coming off a good time with his friends, I asked him why he'd been so hell bent on ruining the entire day -for everyone-yesterday. I got the proverbial "I dunno" with the standard over exaggerated shrug and teen angst eye roll. I told him that's the only one he gets for the month. he said OK. Movin' on.

*I hate the IRS.

* Never trust an 8 month old puppy to behave in your absence.

* never trust men in their early 20's to put a puppy in a crate when they leave the house-even if they promised.

* my truck clearly needs work

* Yogi's truck-Stella the roofing truck- clearly needs work

* the new car clearly needs a tiny bit of work

* the IRS needs work

* Shawn Alan is still not feeling well. he needs some work lol(prednisone!)

* a puke virus hit Kendyl & me. Kendyl was the sicker one.

* while still recovering from the pukes, Kendyl slipped on a snowbank(yup! we still have 'em! wanna talk about it? didn't think so.) and landed VERY HARD on her rear end, bruising her tailbone. This was on Saturday and she's still pretty miserable. She went to school today and sat on the cushy chair usually sat in by the student picked for "Star Of The Week". Somebody got hosed lol

* Did i mention how badly the IRS sucks?

* I miss J.G.R. I wanna go to Texas to hang with my favorite girl. Too bad the IRS has their head so far up it's a&%@#$)*$%&^$@##!!!!!!

* I'd love a vacation. Just Yogi & Me. SOMEDAY!

ok, whine fest over. Back to Glass-half-full Me. Ready.......GO.

I FORGOT!

this week's installment of Same Ol' Shit Sunday! http://crawfordlifetimes.blogspot.com/2010/04/lessons-ive-learned-lately-by-ali.html

too busy to talk about cheese!

LATE UPDATE: Wall-E has been found! Konor found him in Kristin's closet the morning after this post was written PHEW! He's safe in his cage :)

No, I don't ever talk about cheese, I just wanted to get your attention. HA! Sorry, I've been absent all week but crap on a cracker, life is busy! And Chaotic. ShawnAlan has pneumonia, Doug & Jenny both got FULL TIME JOBS(one all day, the other, all night), Konor has an interview where jenny was hired, and our hamster, Wall-E, is missing. Yup, you heard it here first, folks. my Wolly Pog is GONE. He escaped from his house of horrors cage 2 nights ago and hasn't returned. I am beyond devastated, but I haven't given up yet. Our friend Jesse, from Critter Control is gonna help us find him before he dies of dehydration or TheDogYankedMyHeadOff disease. We still have hope.

I will update later on this week.

What else? oh- just yesterday we bought a black, 2000 VW Jetta for ALL the oldest kids to share. I forget how many of them there are... 4 or 5 older kids i think. Hoping they don't kill each other. I wish I had a cool "you're gonna shit when you hear this!" story to go along with this announcement, but, so far, I don't. But....give me a few days! you KNOW the shit's gonna hit the fan any minute, right? I know!

Konor doesn't believe me when I tell him I will totally write a funny song about Levi getting his balls professionally lobbed off next week, and put it on here for the entire free world to read- but YOU believe me, don't you? Remember The Pot Song? about my niece smokin' too much reefer? i will write about pretty much anything that's on my mind.

i bettuh go, i was up too late last night watching The Fighter with Yogi. It was good but i have to ask.. WHAT ACCENT??????????????? HA! and I am SO HUNGRY!!!!! I should go hunt for Wall-e too, while he's likely awake and looking for snacks. And I need to ice the sore shoulder i wrecked in the weight room yesterday(UGH)

love all 7 of you!!!! ps. YOGI SNORES REALLY LOUD -Al

things are heating up...

with my RAD son, that is. he didn't show up to serve either of the 2 detentions, so now he has 2 more, with the principal. Kendyl was thrown off a bed a week ago. Then Shawn Alan was pitched off a bed. he hurts them, then quickly sits in a chair across the room and says ARE YOU OK????????????? never anything serious, but just enjoys making them cry, so that chaos will ensue. they tell me everything. he gets so pissed when I dont flip out. He's doing this to "get me back" for taking away his cell phone. So... now he cannot be allowed in my bedroom-since he likes to throw toddlers off my high boy bed- and he cannot be left alone in any room that the 3&6 year old are in, without an adult. He now has no TV(got rid of the only TV in the main part of the house back in june), he has no computer access-cannot be trusted due to his porn addiction and stalking people on facebook- an account we knew nothing about. a kid at school set it all up and when he was caught, and the account was deleted, the kid just went home and set it up a second time. i called the school. kid was punished, but I'm sure Jack has another FB account under an assumed name (lisa marie duclos? john spam headwink?)by now. what the hell can I do about it?- no cell phone, no I Pod(more porn issues) no other media access(again...porn) and, as of 10 minutes ago-no stereo. i took it since he didn't bother to serve his detentions. I can tell he's really heating up, since he's not getting his way, and he could get very violent, very soon. I'm ready. bring it.

Same Ol Sh*t Sunday

On Sundays I plan to re-post some of my very favorite blog entries from the past. It's fun -for me anyway-to look back and read what was going on in my life. Here's your first one!
Thursday, June 26, 2008ninnies, ninnies, ninnies!!!!

brain dump

Between Courtney's baby shower and basketball tournament games all day, I missed my chance to run at the Y before they closed. I don't often run outdoors because I'm a major pussy because it's harder on my very old bones, but tonight, I just felt like it for some reason. guilt? addiction? Whatever the reason, and why over-think it anyway?-It was the best run I've had in months. It's funny-when you run in high temperatures, it seems so easy at first, then you want to DIE within 7 minutes. In colder temperatures, it's terrible at first, but then you warm up and it feels amazing! You also don't get so thirsty. I only ran 3 miles, since that's what I told everyone here I was doing and they'd panic if I didn't return on time, but I felt like I could run forever-which NEVER.EVER.HAPPENS. There were so many stars and the moon was so huge and low, it was like I could reach out and grab it. think "Dispicable Me"! Most houses I passed had motion sensing lights that flashed on as I ran by. I kept thinking about how much I hope I never feel like we need those. We have them, but only because the prior owners installed them. I don't want to need them. sorry for the random thought. Anyway, I had my blinking lights on for safety, my favorite music in my ears(Keane) and my scattered, racing thoughts. I tried not to think about the mess back at the house, the fact that I over ate today at the shower and then ate the take-out Yogi ordered, the TWO detentions Jackson earned at school this past week for "wandering the building" or the fact that the scale won't budge. Maybe that third flight out the 3rd story window busted it for good, huh? It couldn't possibly be the take-out LOL. I also tried not to think about the list of my missing items, such as my brand new pair of jeans, hooded running jacket, the engagement ring Yogi surprised me with in 1993(it fits me again!), 2 pair of weight lifting shoes and my prescription exzema medication. I am the QUEEN of losing stuff. my Nike sportsband watch was missing for 4 days, I found it tonight, under the seat of my truck. siiggghh. ADHD? what's that? HA! When I got back to the house, I asked Jacky to take a picture of me, just so you could share in my happy state of mind at that very moment. He cut the top of my head off, but the grin tells it all, I think. I love the new ME . Aren't you glad you stopped by? I AM!

Wordless Wednesday

feb. 2011

family update

Spring Break! Kristin came home for less than 48 hours, and then flew to CA and is safe in the arms of the cutest boy i know. well, one of them, anyway. It makes me smile just knowing that they're together. I'm truly a hopeless romantic, i know.
Doug is single. Kayleigh and Doug just cannot get along. She moved out. Mutual agreement. i miss her though. He seems ok, so far. Doug has an interview at a factory tomorrow. pleeeaaaaassseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Jenny & Konor are doing well, but still haven't found jobs, so they can't pay rent. Jenny got a job at Target, but we haven't heard if she passed the drug test yet, which is obviously questionable.
Jackson is either practicing or playing in basketball playoff games every.single.night and aaaaaalll weekend every weekend, since he's on 3 teams. He actually stayed home from school sick yesterday! A rarity for him. Seems fine today and played well tonight-lost by 10. bummed. so...CYO season is over. he finally handed me his progress report tonight, hes had it since the 8th. I waited him out. all B's & C's. he's maintaining-with LOTS of hand holdingsupport by assistants and teachers. He still has his cell phone and hasn't caused any much trouble with it. He did really well while I was gone and gave me a big hug and a smile when I got home. I'm trying to just enjoy the good stuff. He's also dancing constantly, but doesn't want to go to a dance class or anything. boy, can he dance!
Kendyl can read well beyond a kindergarten level and loves books, just like Krstin did at her age. She loves being able to read anything she can get her hands on. She especially likes the American Girl series, and like her sister, loves Addy the best. She still enjoys being read to, so Daddy is happy with that. Her childhood sure is going by fast though. geesh. She's also riding without training wheels. What next? she is still the most easy going little thing, she's such a positive thinker and is the most enthusiastic child I've ever met. she just makes everybody happy. such a zest for life.
ShawnAlan is doing so much better this winter. last year was sucky. the at-home nebulizer machine has been a GOD SEND and has kept him out of the Doctor's office the entire season. He is so driven and determined it boggles the mind. He's so clever and coordinated too. he swims independently, loves being under water, and is ready to dump his training wheels too. hes THREE! where did my baby go? He knows he's from Arkansas and is proud to tell anybody who asks, "I'm from Arkansas! I'm a razorback!" He knows he grew in "She She's" tummy and that he has a baby brother named jakob. He knows she's off fighting the war and thinks she's pretty cool. too cute. He enjoys visiting them, she may be home by November(jake is turning 2 tomorrow and is staying at his Father's house at Ft. Drum). Shawn loves pre school and is the only lefty in his class. He seems proud of this. His best friend's name is Bryce. He's still very shy but warms up after a while. He starts gymnastics next session at the YMCA. I figured if he can do headstands & triple flips on the trampoline, he might as well be a gymnast! He also still has a bottle. i know, i know. *shrug* hey, it's better than reefer.
is that everyone?
Yogi is doing great. he had a way better winter this year too. not one sinus infection or anything more than a bad cold. work is busy!
I am stuck and cant seem to lose the last 20 lbs, but, other than that, I'm fine and had the best winter I've had in years, healthwise. My goal for the spring is to learn to play raquetball. wanna teach me? i gave up the whole swimming thing. i just hate it and got sick of fighting that fact. YUCK. It's gross.
sorry this post was so lame and boring. I will try harder next time!
is this faunt hard to read? let me know!

The C word

COMMITMENT, that is.

I run every day. Well, almost every day, but that's not the point, and, as a side note, my level of commitment to running is rocky, at best. I get lost in thought when I run. In fact, when I shared with a personal trainer that I come up with writing ideas and blog material during my run, but then can't remember them afterwards, he suggested that I run intervals and write things down between intervals while I catch my breath. Sorry for the extra -& pointless- detail, but I thought some background might be helpful if you are new to my bloggy life. So..... I've been doing that a bit and I've noticed that I have so much clarity in my thoughts during that time of oxygen overload. I also feel sappy & tearful sometimes, but that's another blog post in itself. So- back to the subject at hand:

Something happened during my weekend in Orlando, and although I had played out several possible "this is how it will be" scenarios in my mind during the weeks prior to the trip, this one came out of left field, and I wasn't prepared at all. Let me back up just one more time and tell you that Jackson has been home for over 7 years now, and during the first 4 of those, I would have happily sent him packing 5 out of every 7 days. I'm talking DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT! kind of stuff, and I really mean that. BUT, every time he went to camp, I missed the kid. I did. And, for me, that is what kept hope for the future alive in my heart and mind. This weekend in Orlando I met Moms who had fought like hell for their children. Fought for their own safety & sanity, the safety of their RAD child and the safety & happiness of the rest of their family-and lost. Not every child can be saved in this whole RAD mess, and not ONE of these women let go easily, or just gave up. Every single Mom tried so hard and is so sad-devastated-that they could not save the family they had worked so hard to build, and keep it the way it was. The weekend away solidified the feelings I knew were there, but had questioned over and over, in my own head. Jackson is staying. I'm NEVER going to give up on him. I plan to fight harder for psychiatric medicationwhat he needs. i still despise clinical therapy, but I plan to take advantage of that(round 6!), as well as other services that have presented themselves. I plan to tell him I love him every day and be more.. I don't know. PRESENT. Be BETTER. I'm COMITTED. I realized this weekend how much I truly love this boy young man, miss him when we are apart, and really care about what happens to him down the rocky, HIV/RAD road he has to travel. Call it a renewed energy, of sorts. I'm still in. He's worth it. No more doubts. Remind me I wrote this when it gets ugly, ok?

The F Word

FAITH, that is.

FAITH was a topic of conversation over my Orlando weekend. In my villa alone, we had a practicing Mormon, 3 agnostics, a catholic, an atheist -or 2, 2 other deep Christians(for lack of a more appropriate term.. "evangelical"??) and i think we even had what some would call MODGE PODGE. Not that any of us seemed concerned, we all got along and had fun, but it made me wonder how it would have played out LONG TERM. Me? I label myself A Watered Down Christian. I happen to be someone who thinks non-Christians, complete non-believers, and believers of...well... whatever, can be fantastic parents. gay men and women, in my opinion, can be wonderful parents. I don't see good parenting as a One Size Fits All endeavor. That being said, I've certainly seen some extremes that I don't necessarily agree with, but all in all, I take a Live & Let Live stance on families. Call me a pacifist-go ahead. Call me a watered down pacifist-that's ok too. I have HUGE shoulders(don't believe me? i took pictures of them. back track and see!) I can take it. A distant family member recently sent out a *KoobFace message that took the stance of "no foster child should ever be placed in a home where the parents aren't uber Christian". That just DOES NOT sit right with me. I even had the urge to take the AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU???? position with that person, but replied gently. That person chose to ignore. Good choice. Why have a pissing contest on *KoobFace anyway? Anyway, I just spent 4 days, in a Villa, with 67 other Moms, all of different regional backgrounds, races(well...it was pretty light skinned, overall, to be honest)religious preferences and lifestyles and it was ALL GOOD. Ya think that kind of tolerance could go global?????????? EMBRACE OUR DIFFERENCES!!!!

ORLANDO, BABY!!!!

my bed

we table danced

we hung out with belly dancers

we played with napkins

we went swimming and soaking

we laughed. in our PJ's. A LOT!

did I mention the napkins?

our group- minus 3 who were in another car :(

we ran in hot weather-just for fun

we represented New England

I don't even know where to start, for starters. Well, whaddaya know? i already sound stupid! GAH! Ok, seriously though....I was terrified at first. I had only met a tiny handful of the Moms who I'd be drinkingstaying with-and by handful, i mean the kind of handful they're talking about when they say, "you can eat a handful of these cocoa dusted almonds as a healthy, protein enriched, post-run snack." That kind of handful, incase you are not up to speed with that sort of thing, is about 7 almonds in total. And that kind of handful leaves me feeling pretty empty. Several (ok.. a handful) of Moms pushed me to go anyway, even as the number of women attending climbed and climbed as the weeks leading up to the retreat shrunk and shrunk. I knew the trip would be so beneficial to me and I even felt like I might have something to offer in the whole thing-although I, to this day, couldn't specify exactly what that would be. I bit the bullet and booked myself a slot in what would turn out to be, what my kids would call, EPIC. Truth? I hardly left my villa. I hardly mingled. I hardly traveled. I hardly participated, in the great scheme of things. I enjoyed every.single.second of it. I was downright lazy. I observed, took photos of other Moms, floated in our heated pool, enjoyed the warm weather(i hated being indoors for even 5 minutes!), ran a few miles, read magazines i had overpaid for at the airport in Baltimore, made a total mess of my room(sorry M4M!), barely cleaned up, didn't change the toilet paper roll(sorry Rose!)ignored my greasy hair, ate too much, ate too much, ate waaaay too much.... uh...you get the idea. I met some wonderful women. Women who have had their teeth knocked out, their eyes blackened, their chins scarred, their hearts broken, their self esteem flattened, their needs ignored, their marriages tested, their families destroyed, their homes lit on fire-all by their RAD/previously traumatized & neglected, TERRIFIED children.. yet, still just keep on keepin' on and even reach out to help others who walk in their shoes. A term I heard repeatedly over the weekend was ROCK STAR. I couldn't agree more. I met some strong(and some so young!) Moms. All of them who foster, adopt or in one way or another raise children who don't/didn't love them back. I was hugged, recognized(so weird and surreal!) and hugged again by complete strangers who treated me like they'd known me all my life, and I tried -which wasn't hard to do-to treat them the same way. I learned alot about "The system". I also learned that my life IS NOT HARD, which, I must admit, I already knew. So many have it so much tougher. Jack is healing. I am healing. He is, what they refer to in the RAD parenting jargon world, as regulated most of the time. My family is safe and intact. I work from home. I have a fantastic spouse who loves to cook, clean, help and be Dad/mentor/taxi/scapegoat/fixer of all broken stuff. NOPE-I didn't dance on the table at the greek restaurant, I didn't go to Downtown Disney, I didn't touch a single drop of alcohol, I somehow missed the trip to the tattoo parlor.. but it's all good. I LIVED. i absolutely LOVE my housemates. I met "Rocky" 's Mom(she's not a celeb to me, she's just my son's orphanage friend's Mom, and he needed a Mom like her to save his heart, so I love her) I met some other special people, and they know who they are, and i slept a bit. I slept next to an open window too. i know, right?????? It made my year, and I cannot wait to go back and do it all over again-and more. I might even booze it up get dressed next time! Thank you, Corey. It was perfect in every way possible. You did it! YOU ROCK. Rest easy, my friend.

a boy & his dog

things are so fanstastic!

NOT sarcasm!

i know, i know, all 7 of you want me to post more often and have it NOT be "all biceps and calories" i hear ya! i will not talk about diet or exercise for the next.. i dont know.. week?

YES, i am going on the Orlando RAD Retreat with Corey and 60 other Moms. i am rooming with Mothering4Money and 3 other blogger Moms of RAD kids who want to tear out all their hair really need support and my goal is to do very little and not wear much clothing for 4 days. It's hard for me to get away, but I have it all worked out and Yogi and crew are prepared. what's that you ask? "what crew?" oh... you've missed so much. there are 8 "kids" here again, it's going well. kristin(almost 22, senior in college an hour away, home on long weekends this semester, no classes on fridays now), Konor(20) Doug(20) Jenny(my niece, almost 20) Kayleigh(19) Jackson (around 15) Kendyl, (now 6!) and Shawn Alan (now 3.5). Uncle Tim, AKA Uncuh/Gunkuh moved out a few weeks ago, after more than 2 years with us, to live with his niece an hour away. It's still tight, but much better now, since Tim was in a large basement bedroom that we NEED for kids. a place for them to sleep and make noise.

There is no way i can backtrack and really catch you up to speed on the last 3 mos. but the condensed version is that Doug was sent home from Iraq after 3 weeks because he had pot in his urine(humiliating? only to us, i guess) Jenny needs a place to go, so does her Fiance' Konor. Kayleigh's parents lost their house and are in a tiny mobile home that she can't fit in and the rest are ours anyway(including Doug)so we have to keep them. HA! GUESS HOW MANY OF THEM ARE EMPLOYED. I DARE YOU! the winner gets a prize.

Yogi is wonderful, as usual. supportive of my endeavors, loving, kind, respectful and downright amazing in every way. he's doing lots of roof shoveling and ice-dam-removal this month, we have 12 foot snowbanks out there! up to 3 feet on many rooves(roofs?) he has cleaned. it pays well. he's also doing lots of indoor painting, basement re finishing, remodeling, repairs, cabinet installation etc......he's staying busy this winter, for sure. people dig him and hire him over & over. He's so good to all these kids it makes my head spin, too. A+.

Kendyl LOVES Kindergarten and Shawn loves pre-school.

Kristin is in her final semester here at UNH. then she is moving to California to do grad school. her wonderful boyfriend, who she met while studying abroad in Costa Rica a year ago, lives out there and she has visited him there twice, he just came here for 10 days, and they are making it work until august when they can be together full time. i cannot even describe how much I adore him. dimples. plays guitar & piano. sings. did i mention the dimples? he's only a month older than kris. gonna be an engineer or something. i wasn't listening when he told me, because i was distracted by his dimples and guitar playing and singing.

I adopted a beagle 4 weeks ago. hes 6 mos. old now and his name is Levi. he chews things but i love him and so does Dakotah.

Doug & Kayleigh continue to work hard on goal setting, effective communication, positive body language and other social and independent living skills. they are learning that relationships are hard work, and there is a lot more to it than just playing house. Doug continues to smoke reefer off the premises. I give up.

Jenny & Konor continue to work hard at getting their lives in order, proving themselves to their families and each other, setting goals and letting go of old baggage/the past in order to live a better, more positive life once they're married. Jenny and Konor continue to smoke reefer off the premises. I give up.

My sister continues to recover from her accident in August. You can read about that here. She has physical therapy, but also accompanies me to the YMCA about 4 days per week where she swims, cycles, strength trains and hangs out in the hot tub afterwards.. She can walk, and she's losing her limp, but struggles with pain every single day. She's up and down. it's a long process. She has a great attitude though, so that certainly helps.

Jackson? he's growing up in many ways, regressing some other ways. i left him for last because he's the most... wordy update. In basketball he has shown amazing growth. he "gets it" now, as far as memorization, carrying out the plays etc... he doesnt just rely on natural skills anymore. he plays on 2 teams(he made the school team, but we pulled him after the 3rd week. a story for another day!) and made the All Star team for both teams, so we are BUSY!. He's so fun to watch. the boy's got SKEELZ!

school? a huge struggle that I stay out of. want the phone? get all C's and above. if ya don't-forget it. it's all in your hands, kid.I'm movin' on. I don't get overly involved in the school thing. I just can't. sue me. he spends most of the day in the resource room. C's are not out of his reach!

i have caught him gently torturing the puppy 3 times. i have chatted with him 3 times. he found someone weaker than he is to torment. If i catch him again, i will call the police about it. they get it(finally). i will have him arrested for animal cruelty. I don't mess around and he might as well learn that since it's been over 7 years.

that may not be everything, but i must go cook a ham and potatoes. miss you all, feel free to friend me on facebook though! Alison L Maker Crawford

my sister made me post these!

jan. 18th-down about 82lbs!

jan 15th

jan 4th(looked better the prior month-not doing enough upper body weight training)

dec 4th