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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

RAD parenting: a mini novel




My (hopefully)new blogger friend, leslie at http://recoveringnoah.blogspot.com/2009/07/why-i-havent-been-blogging.html(thanks Christine!)blogged yesterday. She is having a hard time writing, blogging. she feels very alone at times, parenting a RAD child, as well as an autistic child. I generally do not feel alone, and we have a great support system, but much of what she said, i could have posted myself..... especially these 3 little gems:

Many believe that a good spanking would do the trick. "Put some fear into them! They'll never respect you unless they're scared of you. "
Good grief. If your friends and family think it's your lack of parenting skills that are the problem... if your friends and family don't understand... then what to do you do?

most think it's a parenting issue - a discipline issue - and think we should get out the belt and quit whining.

It is frightening to realize that your child's future depends on whether you have the patience, resources, money, and energy to help them get through it.
That's a powerful burden to bear.
Do you understand that RAD kids are the ones who can kill?
Who can easily end up in gangs?
Who get institutionalized?
Who end up in jail?
Do you have any idea what it's like to live with that? It's hard to enjoy the moment of the day when you are scared to death of the future.

UGH. Debbie Downer, right? but can you imagine? We think we have it tough sometimes. This lady also has an autistic kid. my RAD kid picked on an autistic kid at the bus stop, but maybe she'll still be my friend. i have high hopes.

When my spouse and i talk about the whole "beat the crap out of him!" advice, we both see it the same way. we think of jackson's successful healing and blending into a family like a big ladder. Every time we screw up with verbal malarky such as:
"next time i find pee in a trash can you can drink it!"
or
"just....act HUMAN please!"
or physical crapola like:
grabbing his arm or shoulder to get his attention
or
dragging him outside & plopping his ass down in a snowbank to have a heated, loud, cuss filled heart to heart discussion in our boxer briefs, while the pastor nextdoor leaves for church on a Sunday morning..
or
hastily bagging up his junk and taking it to the dump.....
we take two steps down on the ladder. You start all over again. building trust is difficult. these guys are terrified you will dump them off. i know my kid is. he admits it now & then. you can't open a can of whoop ass on these guys. You have to keep your eyes on the big picture.
people can say what they want. It's NOT a discipline or parenting issue AT ALL with a RAD kid. we falter now & again, but we keep it positive most of the time. i remind myself every day to speak softly, be gentle with actions and words, be positive with him, remind him i love him and want him, take time for just the 2 of us.....even when hes not who i want him to be. Its a tough thing to put across in this forum, but my son and i have a very, very special relationship, in my eyes atleast. his? no clue lol. its different than with the rest of the kids, but it's not bad. just different.
some days its a breeze. some days i want to gouge my eyes out or drive my truck off a bridge.
i keep much of this to myself, much of his behaviors to myself, even when talking with family, because if we share or vent, we get the "advice", which is usually either the
"whats the big deal? hes a BOY!" crap
OR the:
"beat his ass!" stuff. it gets old. nobody really gets it. Libby does though. or she fakes it pretty good because shes my BFF and has no choice lol. thanks Libs!
just wanted to share the feelings today. sorry if you were bored as hell lol.
i promise to stun you all with the big reveal of my TSL in the next few days!

hey, go peek at leslie's blog and encourage her if you can. ok? just click the link up there. i had blogger issues last night when i tried to comment on her blog, but i will try again today.
raining. again. yesterday too. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2 comments:

Christine said...

Leslie is DELICIOUS!

MomInTheTrench said...

You both say things I have felt many many times. Thanks for the post. They could be my words.

"some days i want to gouge my eyes out or drive my truck off a bridge." LOL I totally get it.