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Monday, January 4, 2010

RAD puts my mood in the crapper, and other recent revelations

I forgot to tell you guys about some Honkinshtank Jackson pulled over vacation. Let me preface the story with a few thoughts:
I just never thought I'd have a *mean* kid. No matter where we adopted from or what the child's age or special needs, I never, ever thought any mean-ness would last. Cuz we aren't mean. I'm a bully, but I'm not mean!(I do, in essence, consider my parenting style to be slightly "bully-ish", after all. I'm sure that's no surprise to any long term readers.) I don't fill the day with needless chit-chat about one's behavior after an incident, nor do I feel the need to slather affection on kids that do nothing but screw up and make others feel like poo. I'm not an abuser or a hater, but.. to me, the niceties in life are earned. To me, you get back what you put in, throughout life, and it begins in the home. My children certainly received lots of love, guidance and affection, but crapola wasn't tolerated or rewarded with MORE attention. The consequences stung. Call it Lackluster Parenting. Now, all that being said... where Jackson is concerned, as I've written about on my blog many times in the past, We've had to completely change how we parent halfway through the game, and it aint easy! Nowadays, Hooplah, Hootinanny, Honkinshtank and Hubbleegook have to be A OK WITH US. This is a huge adjustment for all.
So.. back to my story: Christian came by and Jackson told him he was going to play at D&R's house, a place where Christian isn't welcome(rightfully so). They were expecting him at noon. Chris really pushed and prodded Jackson to play with him instead, he actually got kind of pissy, and I was proud of how Jackson stood up to him and went to D&R's anyway. Chris left in a huff and I wondered how it would go, since they're all neighbors. Issues have come up before between the 4 boys, and I can't see their houses from mine. I never heard anything, so I assumed all went ok. Next day, same thing. 3rd day of vacation, Christian came by and the 2 were talking about going to his house to play video games(we don't have video games here. I'm a bully, remember?) Then Christian mentions an incident that had occured a few days before. I guess Christian, Jackson & the D&R brothers had an "ice ball fight", 3 against 1. I piped in and said, "why 3 against 1?" Jackson laughed and said, "nobody wants to be on Christian's team. he sucks!" right in front of the kid! They were both laughing at first, then it became clear that it wasn't funny to Chris or me. I told them that if everyone refuses to play fair/even in a game like that, then that's when someone needs to speak up and say, "then we're not gonna play". 3 against 1 in an ice ball fight? how mean can you get? from what they said, it got UGLY. We had a long conversation about what being a friend means. Jack apologized to his friend. We talked about ways to get out of doing something shitty, without looking like a nerd, when you KNOW it's wrong but the guys all want you to join in. I let the 2 boys go to Christian's house to play, but called to check in later and make sure they weren't having any problems. The Mom was glad I called and thanked me for having a talk with the boys about the ice ball fight. I asked her how she knew. She told me that before she let Jackson in the house, she sat the boys down to talk to them about the prior 2 days also. Not only did the ice ball fight thing happen TWO days in a row, but she and her husband were in the house watching ice balls hit her husband's truck, equipment, their windows, their KID.....Jackson was swearing, D&R were chasing Christian onto his lawn, attacking him, and then, when Chris stepped foot on their lawn, the 2 boys would run & tell their Mommy and she would come out and tell Chris to get off her lawn and egg her boys(and jackson) on!
2 days in a row! Yes, D&R have had problems with Christian before, but STILL. That is NOT adult behavior! all 3 adults-D&R's Mom and both of Christian's parents- took vacation from work all week(gee, wonder why! none of them can trust their kids to be home without them!) and this is the crap that spews. Christian's Mom said she never called me, because she felt that jack had just "been sucked in" and also, she knew I'd punish him and he wouldn't be able to play the rest of the week(and she's RIGHT). Christian doesn't really have any other friends.

When Jackson came home i told him I had heard the rest of the story, processed through the entire thing with him a second time, and took his I Pod and his DS away for 2 days. Then I kept him home. Christian was mad, but too bad. The only reason I didn't keep him in all week was because Christian admitted that on the 2nd day he asked the other 3 boys to play the game again! So.. how upset was the kid? His mom thought he was being treated horribly, but if you come out begging for it a 2nd time then.. what am i supposed to do about it?
Jackson has NO idea how to be a friend. He still has NO critical thinking skills. NO candor. NO scruples or moral compass. The "boys will be boys" mentality does NOT wash with me. It never will. We preach it all, and it's all for not. None of it goes in. None of it sinks in. I fight with myself, in my head, all the time.
Are we just wasting our time?
Anyway, the rest of the week was pretty excellent. I can't complain too much. he's not appreciative or thankful, but really.. who is? He was decent to the little ones and Yogi is even getting into DS now, they were playing the football last night-that was funny.
Yogi and Jack are in Boston right now at a neuro appointment. Dr P. at PID isn't comfortable prescribing Jack's ADHD meds anymore, so he set us up with this guy@@ but that's a story for another day!

1 comment:

MomInTheTrench said...

You aren't wasting your time. Even if the kid doesn't benefit from your tremendous labor of love, all those who are witnessing it, including your other children, certainly are.