Yesterday was one of those days that just didn't meet my expectations. The day itself, the people involved, myself... none of it. I'm not sure if my expectations are necessarily all that high, but i often find myself questioning whether i set too high a standard for myself and the people in my life.
For firsts, Our 11 year old son who is affected by RAD frustrates me to the point of gauging out my own eyes with a spoon. I bite my lip so hard at times, that i feel like i may draw blood. I do my very best to raise him right and foster his self esteem, while, at the same time, trying to stay sane within my own mind. When i, on RARE occasion, vent my frustrations to friends and family, reactions are often peculiar, often infuriating, often perplexing. Going into detail would take me 3 pages, but my favorite reaction, often from a mother of ONE child, is this: "oh, it's the age, that's very TYPICAL BEHAVIOR of an 11 year old boy". really???? that's funny, because I've already raised 2 11 year old boys and neither of them acted in this TYPICAL manner. peeing in a bucket in a closet for 3 months is 'typical'? not speaking one word for 2 days is 'typical'? threatening to kill your mother on a daily basis is 'typical' 11 year old boy behavior? i beg to differ. long story short: i've decided to get some therapy for ME. MYSELF. nevermind him, I need someone to talk to. someone who won't shrug his behavior off as typical, normal, expected, won't judge my reactions to his behavior so much... and won't give me the "oh, that poor baby" speech. why doesn't anybody care about ME or how I feel??? When i am found dead in my bed, maybe someone will take me seriously. TOO BAD I'LL BE DEAD!5 years is too long to expect someone to live like this. too long to expect someone to pretend all is fine, all is well, life is great. i am DONE.
as far as the rest of my day not meeting my expectations, i will let the rest of the list go and move on. today is a new day. I am enjoying my Red Sox, my family, counting my blessings(and there are many).....i still LOVE and feel protective of this child, i just do not like him much at times. things have to improve, and soon. ali.... OUT