Total Pageviews

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I promised my shrink

I made a promise to my therapist that I'd start writing again. It helps me so much, and some of the drivel that pours out of me isn't exactly appropriate for KoobFace. This is a better place for my literary brain dumps. 

Things are hard right now, and, after such a long blog break, filling readers in about all of it would take eons. I will try to give a synopsis of recent events.

Jackson began working with a new therapist in October. I use the term therapy loosely, because Jackson would not speak to him. Think Good Will Hunting. We continued to take him anyway. In May, Jackson had, what I would term, a psychotic break, of sorts. In the last 7 months or so, It had come to the point where he got into trouble 100% of the time he was permitted to leave the house. Even while at supervised events, he was under the radar, causing trouble. He stole borrowed a business laptop from a friend's Mother etc..So.. we shrunk his world, shrunk it some more, then shrunk it some more... beginning in January, when he attempted to purchase a firearm on KoobFace. We had another meeting at the school. We begged for an assistant, citing the constant disappearing,(I was lost!) the supposed "posturing"(confronting & threatening a teacher without words, making her feel like she couldn't leave her classroom if she tried-10 day suspension) a physical fight over a stolen borrowed item, and finally, the gun thing. Instead of an assistant, they placed him out of district, in an alternative school in the next town. He was not happy about it, but didn't fight it. 18 other boys, no girls, no fashion runway, adventure based. He was livid, but it was all internal. At first it was OK, but as he began to realize how therapy-ish the school was, and how under the microscope he was-they were catching him at all that quiet defiance, setting people up to fight while he sits in a corner giggling, thinking he looks innocent.. all that stuff-he started to really act out at home, which our therapist(the guy Jackson was seeing ended up working with the rest of us) warned us he would do. He was a caged animal. He was sneaking out and getting high, having unprotected sex with various girls, putting others at risk, regardless of everything we were doing to keep him close-which was A LOT. By early May, it was UGLY.  right before Mother's day, he ran away, after being suspended from school for picking a fight on a field trip to a beach. it was a Friday, and he expected that I would not find out about the suspension until Monday, like with his old school. 1 minute after he arrived home, the call came in. He was stunned. He had made weekend plans. (plans that would not have been followed through, but still.. plans) I hung up, and simply told him he was in for the weekend, and on Monday, the suspension day, he would roof a house with his Dad. He never spoke up, other than to blame the other student for the altercation & claim that when he returned to school on Tuesday, he'd make sure to "get expelled". But, as calm as he seemed, I knew he was stewing. HE WANTED HIS WAY. by 9pm, he'd taken off. Long story short, the police searched for him, found him &  brought him back home 7 times over the next 8 days. during his short stints between runs, he called me Cunt face and threatened to kill me several times. he called sweet little Kendyl a bitch for walking by him. he injured our dog. he begged to go live in a "Children's Home". The police didn't have enough to refer him to the probation officer he'd had a year prior, I called the JPPO myself, he claimed Jackson was not eligible for a CHINS petition. The police and the JPPO told me it was time to call DCYF for help. I resisted. but.. ultimately, I had to face facts. He'd missed 9 doses of HIV meds in the 8 days. We were playing with his safety, and the safety of his.. um... partners friends, and that is something I swore we'd never do, so on Friday morning, i made the call. the intake social worker arrived by 11am to interview me, was in court to put it before a judge by 4 and Jackson was out, and at a "Children's Home" by 630pm that very day-even though he had escaped from his school during dismissal, jumped into the car of an out of town student who'd had a driver's license for less than 3 weeks, and was MISSING for hours. ( I had called to warn them, i knew what he was planning, but nobody was paying any attention). Unfortunately, for DCYF to get this done, they have to file neglect, abandonment & abuse charges against the parents. They claimed that they'd try to file "unknown perpetrator" charges instead, petitioning the courts to get Jackson the services he needs due to the Haitian abusers in his early life, but then they just didn't bother. We fought the charges in court and won because the judge saw right through DCYF's lies -they were claiming that it was obvious that we had no intention of reunifying. total BS-& the judge ended the proceedings almost as soon as they began. He knows we are seasoned parents with a ton of knowledge and we're good people who tried for a long time(9 years). Also, he knew we'd been in court with Jackson 12 mos. prior, and he'd been placed on probation back then, for attacking us in his bedroom because we wouldn't let him go somewhere. the judge called everyone into his chambers and came up with a new plan. Criminal threatening charges were later filed against Jackson himself, putting HIM in the hot seat for HIS poor choices, behavior & actions, instead of us. Jackson pled not guilty 3 days later, thinking he'd be allowed to "go home" if he did this. In my opinion, he had very little understanding of what was going on. He'd been living in the facility for 8 or 9 weeks at that point. He'd had 2 day visits with us, but he never spoke to us during those visits. He just wanted to take off and go hang out with friends, which we didn't allow, and made it clear we wouldn't be allowing, for a long time anyway. (ummm you were caught smoking pot in a supervised facility. how can we, in good conscience, ever???... UGH)After that, he refused to speak to us or visit at all.
Jackson has now been living at NCH for 10 weeks. his trial is on 8.8- i have to testify against him for his constant threats. funny how BEFORE I called DCYF, we didn't have enough to file any charges or a CHINS petition. now, we suddenly have enough to file BOTH. what has changed? NOTHING. everybody just fudged everything to get him the out-of-home services he desperately needs. WHY COULDN'T ANYBODY DO THAT BEFORE??? The lawyer cost us a fortune. DCYF doesn't appoint lawyers to families anymore. budget cuts, ya know. This has been quite fun. fun like a fucking rash.
Jackson insists he wants to "go home" but wants to live here by himself and not see us, speak to us or follow our rules. he is about 16, and made this statement, yet... nobody thinks he has any huge disabilities. no logic, reasoning, cause & effect, IQ of 75... but... no problem. the adults don't seem to have any more logic than he does!
Obviously, the judge will rule him guilty on 8.8, regardless of how the trial proceedings go, so that he can stay at NCH, get the daily life skills coaching, 24/7 SUPERVISION & therapy he receives there(he actually talks to the guy a tiny bit, although the guy admits that no real progress has been made) and continue to attend the alternative school he hates enjoys so much. we've been to 2 "family therapy" sessions at NCH, but they've gone so badly, we had to walk out of the most recent one. so.much.past.trauma. he went wonky wickety wack. It wasn't pretty.
Since being placed at NCH, he broke his hip in the first 8 days, jumping over a fence because he was told "the only thing you can't do is jump over the fence", has stolen a few items, has pierced both of his ears with a rusty nail(nobody even noticed! can you imagine the blood bath that was?) and has been caught smoking pot and cigarettes at a building nearby. 24/7 supervision? NOT SO MUCH. But... I'm glad they're seeing the Under The Radar behaviors.
There is so much more detail than I'm writing here, but like I said, it would take years. This is the condensed version and now that you're up to speed, so to speak, I will tell you that I plan to use this blog to mostly share MY feelings, MY progress, My thoughts. It may seem like I don't care about him, but I do. I miss the old Jackson, as goofy as unregulated as he often was. I feel SO much guilt. I always said I'd never let anybody take him away from us and would never be the 3rd Mother figure to abandon him. his departure and the what led up to it, and the aftermath of it all, has affected all of us, and affected all of us differently, but has hit me the hardest, by far. Jacky was my baby!  My emotions are all over the place, and change hourly, if not more often than that. I plan to use this old blog O mine as a place to release it all. KoobFace has seen enough of me and my lame outpourings, I reckon.
I used to be funny. I hope my funny comes back someday soon.


scooping it up said...

Ali, you are heroic. You've done so much. You fight so hard. I am honored to know you and pray for you to have strength to deal. I cannot imagine. CANNOT. sending love.

Bekki said...

love you Ali. I well remember all you did to get Jax out of Haiti. I know you love him so much - yet it is possible to hate his behavior at the same time. Be strong and courageous, let us be your supports.

GB's Mom said...

You are simply the best.

Annie said...

You are so strong. I can't even imagine what you and your family is going through. Praying for you guys!

Kathy C. said...

You are not the third mother figure to abandon him because you haven't abandoned him. You've placed him where he needs to be for his safety. He may never get that. I don't think Jeff does. He still resents me. But he's alive and never arrested and in the army somewhat successful (you don't have to really bond, just follow the rules). I don't know how far your son can come or how much he can heal mentally, but hopefully they'll push him to his limits and you'll one day be able to find the you that you used to be! And perhaps the other kids can breathe more freely and there can be fun again. Think: HOPE.

Last Mom said...

I love you and am so glad you're blogging!!!! You didn't abandon Jackson. You're still there for him - fighting for him every single day.

Mothering4Money said...

I'm hearing Justin Timberlake sing "Ali's bringing funny back" to the tune of Sexy Back.

Sending you strength, love and cards about knickers. xoxo

Erin said...

im still here. <3 you